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Bora Bora Day #5: “I didn’t get raptured, dangit!”

Oh well - I’m disappointed by another failed end of the world prophecy.  Earlier, anticipating delightfully the utter demise of all heathens world wide, listening intently to the words of Harold Camper, my wife and I pulled out the whiskey, had sex one last time, and stared out into the distance at exactly 5:59 P.M. feeling the glory coming on as we were certain – that this time we would be teleported into the Ethos at last…

…when 6:01 P.M. came and went, I was certain that the clock must have been off – so I went online to http://time.gov to consult the infamous U.S. atomic clock – and was bewildered by the idea that in fact – 6:01 had come and gone, yet somehow my bodily molecules yet remained intact, binding me physically to this horrible world of pain and despair – full of heathens, non-believers, and Christians who believe less than me…

…panicking that I had missed the last great trump, and that somehow God had missed me – I ran out to the deck to see if the other 143,999 whom God had chosen had been taken into the air without me and low and behold – I saw Billy being transported via a heavenly beam without me!  (photo):

Panicked that I had forgotten to repent over something, I rushed into the house, fell to my knees – and then I remembered what it must have been…

…I ran over to my wife, apologized, and then threw away the porno stash I’d been stowing in my back pack on the trip out to Bora Bora, and then I ran outside to join Billy in his heavenly throne – but alas, he had gone to the living space-ship, Moya, without me…  It’s a shame, I had been holding a candle, standing in a holy trapezoid, and staring at the following picture of Moya for over a year in preparation for this day:

(Moya is the Space Ship that was suppose to take me to another Galaxy, and give me a huge mansion and a wizard hat.  Oh well, I’ve got to put up with crappy ‘ol earth for another 2,000 years or so…)

Distraught, I came inside and flipped on the TV.  In Bora Bora, they were having a replay of a documentary you may have heard about – it’s about my good friend Harry Potter.  I like watching Harry’s programs, because whenever I’m down, I can always flip on one of his good ‘ol documentaries and usually if I have spare frog legs lying around – I can learn how to conjure up a spell or two, as long as I haven’t left my magic wand at home in Costa Rica.

In any case – in this particular documented magic demonstration by Harry, he was showing how to ride a magical broom – and as I recalled, by the speed at which billy was being teleported to Moya, if I hopped on a magical broom stick (I happened to be carrying one), I could catch up with Billy in about 34 minutes – if I deployed a trick I learned from another documentary, Back to the Future – (you know, the one with my good buddy Marty McFly…)  First, let’s review the technique I learned from Harry:

Notice how Harry is holding the broom with his right hand, and the wand is horizontal to the broom – being held with his right, and glowing.  (Very important for the Flex Capacitor to work).  Anyways, all I had to do is take the differential between the two speeds, divide them by two – set my personal flex capacitor to go back in time to exactly 6:01 P.M. when I had first documented Billy being taken, subtract the number I got from the previous equation in seconds – and then EXACTLY one hour after the original event occurred – head towards the horizon going precisely 88.8 miles per hour

Unfortunately, the moment I had the plan in place, I had a realization that in order for the plan to work, I had to be able to create 1.21 Gigawats of atomic energy to give my flex capacitor enough power to create a rupture in the space time continuum and send me hurling one hour into the past…

I was faced with a dilemma - in Bora Bora – there’s no easily accessible uranium that I usually use to power my magic wand.  Remembering how Marty faced a similar challenge when he was once trapped in 1955 - I looked out and saw that clouds were gathering – if I could just get lightning to strike my magical broom stick at precisely 7:01 P.M., I could use the energy of the lightning Bolt to power my magic wand with EXACTLY the 1.21 Gigawats I needed to hurl me back in time.

When Marty and Doc dealt with the same problem in 1955, they had the advantage of a local clock tower, that had been struck at an exact time that year and had frozen still for over 30 years.  So they timed the Delorean to cross the thresh-hold of the lightning at that moment, and used it to propel themselves into the future (you may not have seen the documentary – it was pretty famous in the 80′s, when time travel was first discovered): The problem with the famous ‘clock tower‘ solution is, of course – that was a unique place in the world, so I had to come up with something new.

While reminiscing, I remembered another documentary I had seen, where my buddy Percy Jackson had a rod owned by Zeus for a little while that created all of the lightning in the world!  I figured – “Ha ha!  If I could just get my hands on that magic rod, I could use it to create a lightning bolt – and if I used it at the exact time (7:01 P.M.), I wouldn’t even need a clock tower!”  See you in a minute, Billy!  Now I was thinking.

I would have been more worried about it, but I had a connection to Zeus through my good pal, Mustachules. My brother documents part of the connection here (opens in a new window).  You wouldn’t immediately guess the connection – but if you read the Moses part carefully – Moses is obviously connected to God, and God knows Zeus (a lesser god) – so all I needed to do to get my required lightning was place a phone call.

I reached for the phone – looked up, and saw…

…it was 7:02.

Damnitstuck on Earth for another 2,000 years – I’m not getting away from these heathens any time soon.  Curses Harold Camper!  Curses!

To the TOP,
David Wood

P.S.  Seriously guys, stop predicting the ‘day and the hour’ of the end of the world from the Bible.  It makes all of the cool, smart Christians I know look like retards to people who aren’t part of the ‘group’.  After all, didn’t Jesus say  “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only…” (Matt 24:36 – you’d think that would be enough).  If you want to make Christianity look like a Harry Potter movie – a great way is by predicting the EXACT time of a bunch of stuff that never happens.  Lol.

P.P.S.  Last chance to get in on my ‘Perpetual Funnel Coaching’ (click here)

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31 comments
Matt Broderick
Matt Broderick

This is the first time I've ever let anyone's post bother me - Deb Moorland. Honestly when I read one of the earlier Bora Bora posts that said something about hot morning sex, I was personally pretty interested lol after my mind being filled with trainings all day and doing SEO research and writing blogs and building traffic, I'm pretty beat. Between that post and this one, I just got enough energy to keep me up for the entire night. Thanks Dave, Sincerely, Someone who IS interested. =] P.S. I'm still waiting on day 4 of your bootcamp training, I got MLSP and went through a bunch of the training, but I'm still looking forward to your version of getting it setup and running!

Jonathan Sweeting
Jonathan Sweeting

Dave said all that and the only part that stood out was the sex part Lol! The bible also says by the fruit You will know them, so I guess we know what's important to Debbie, being politically correct...

Mustachules Ken
Mustachules Ken

LMAO... Great picture of Zeus.. He gets that look every time I drink his last Beer. Ps. Althazar just left to pay our friend Harold a visit. I think he was hungry. We may need to depend on a fortune cookie for the next end of the world prediction..

Jeff Faldalen
Jeff Faldalen

David, You are to funny. It amazes me how much energy people put into knowing the last day, but not into living the most of everyday. I also don't like it when people say this stuff in the name of God. Doesn't it say something like Thal shall not take the Lord Your God's name in vain? It is always a treat to read your stuff, until next time Thank you for your contribution, Jeff Faldalen PS Enjoy the next 2000 years :)

Debra K. Moorland
Debra K. Moorland

David -We all worship you, and perhaps you have reached a level of success that lets you do whatever you want - but I have to tell you that I for one am not interested in your sex life or other crude remarks. I know that you seek to entertain as well as educate, but this is a professional arena. Sorry - someone has to say it.

Rhandell Mitche
Rhandell Mitche

First off, thanks for the humor! Your imagination is unlike any I have ever seen. lol - on a more serious note, while I obviously have the common sense to understand that nobody can have the exact date and time of the end of the world. What that guy did could very possibly be the beginning of something. Not sure what... But something. Didn't the bible mention that before the end there will be many false prophets? I'm pretty sure Harry now falls into that category.

Hans Schoff
Hans Schoff

...and they all lived happily ever after... (that's how fairy tales are supposed to end, right? :)

Paul Reimers
Paul Reimers

I think your plan to involve Zeus through Mustachules (the best named mustache in history) is brilliant! With that kind of entrepreneurial ingenuity, Moya would definitely accept Hop-Ons ;)

Lynne
Lynne

Hi David...I believe that your curly hair is a result of your delightfully creative, funny genius seeping out from your brain cells. I did have to get the magnifying glass to take a closer look at your pal "Billy" to see if I recognized him as a person in my circle of influence...too bad, he was not! I look forward to meeting you in person, cheers Lynne

Kenny Perkins
Kenny Perkins

At 6:01pm yesterday I was at a friends house grilling out, eating watermelon and drinking Mountain Dew. Now that is my idea of being "raptured". lol

Getzie R. Lamar
Getzie R. Lamar

David, You're funny AND intelligent. No wonder you're rich! Seriously, though, if no one knows the day nor the hour of Christ's soon return, shouldn't we live each day as if it were our last? The way we live our lives from day to day should be a pretty good indicator of whether we would enjoy life in heaven or not, don't you think? Thanks for this classic narrative of human wisdom vs. God's wisdom. I know His soon coming will not sneak up on me as a "thief in the night", because I know my Bible, which tells us what to expect in the days ahead. I'm glad you read your Bible, too. ;)

Ron Gelok
Ron Gelok

dude this is great lol! I love how you can have a great time, right goofy entertaining articles and still have results. dave you inspired me today to just be more of myself in my writing. I want to help and inspire others and your helping me more than you know bro.

Jamie Gaymon - Team Beachbody
Jamie Gaymon - Team Beachbody

I thiink it's hilarious that you still call that guy Mustachules, I saw that in one of your other videos and just about peed my pants laughing!!! Classic post man, that Camper guy ranks right up there with the Heavens Gaters. See you on the spaceship! Jamie

Dan Rice - Online MLM Profits
Dan Rice - Online MLM Profits

Too funny! The senior pastor at my church posted on Facebook, "To All Vineyard staff members scrap those plans to cut back to 2 services a weekend, Harold was wrong..."

Dominick Zirilli
Dominick Zirilli

Hopefully the Mrs. won't hold you to the one last time caveat. Agreed that worrying about "when it will end" should never supersede the notion of "when will we begin" Thanks David...Always giving us a mental workout. -Dominick

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